you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
