I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize