so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
