You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
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