she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
