My Higher Power is John Stamos
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
