Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
