I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
