I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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