even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize