I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My vagina is officially offended.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
