i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
