Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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