wanna go halves on a baby?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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