Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I need water and some morals
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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