so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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