Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I wear drunk well.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize