He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
