I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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