ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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