Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
