I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
