Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
