She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
