i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
