We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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