I think I died a long time ago.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
