I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We're too hungover to prance.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
