Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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