the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We got so high we made milksteak
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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