Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
