I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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