I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
