I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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