i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think your dad took our porno
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
