I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
