it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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