I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
she looked like the before picture.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize