I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
