Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
