That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize