The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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