why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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