Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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