i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
