I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
