So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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