It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
