can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
