I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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