I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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