Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
