grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
