I'm so fucking centered right now
My cat gives me a boner
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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