I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
