My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize