Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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