i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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