Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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