One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
