I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
