you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
