just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
