He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
